


An Autumn

by bikelock28



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Black Family (Harry Potter) - Freeform, Friendship, Gen, Good Regulus Black, Hogwarts, Marauders, Marauders' Era, One Shot, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-04 10:32:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16345106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bikelock28/pseuds/bikelock28
Summary: Four months. Four Marauders. One little brother. Snapshots from Regulus Black's first term at Hogwarts.





	1. September

**Author's Note:**

> Four months. Four Marauders. One little brother. Scenes from Regulus Black's first term at Hogwarts. Rated T for language and bullying. I hope you enjoy this story.

Peter's dad always insisted on arriving at places unnecessarily early. They'd got to King's Cross so early this morning that the Hogwarts Express hadn't even arrived yet. Dad had attempted to give Peter a pep talk while they waited, but Peter insisted he didn't need one.

"Dad, it's  _fine._  I'm doing great in school, you know I am,"

In truth Peter was only doing well because his friends let him copy off them, but Dad didn't need to know that.

"Third year now, though. Time to step it up a gear, eh son? You're a teenager, you're taking new subjects, you're allowed to visit Hogsmeade. School's giving you more privileges and they expect you repay that with hard work.  _I_ expect you to repay with hard work,"

"Course," Peter murmured.

"Let's see if you can get Prefect in a couple of years,"

There was no chance of Peter ever being made Prefect but he smiled and said, "Alright Dad, I'll try,"

Peter was spared any more boring encouragement because at that moment the Hogwarts Express came chugging into view from around the corner. Peter loved the train; the smell, the bright red engine, the thumping, mechanical noise. It was the sound of friends and magic and new adventures.

Once the train had pulled up at the platform Dad helped Peter find a compartment for his trunk, and then they waited on the platform for the rest of the school to arrive. Perplexed-looking first-years tumbled through the barrier, enormous seventh-years strolled, a couple of Hufflepuffs in the year above Peter crashed their trollies into each other and got shouted out by the train guard. Peter saw Slytherin's Beater Bertram Aubrey run through, Ottoline Shallay from Ravenclaw, Tobias Turtle who had sat beside Peter in first-year Charms. The station became platform became more and more packed and clamorous, and Peter craned his neck to look for his friends.

"Where are they?" he muttered.

"They'll turn up," Dad assured him, "It's still only quarter to,"

Peter chewed his lip and chuntered to himself while they waited. He knew that James, Sirius and Remus would turn up at some point, but he didn't like the thought of being surrounded by other students without the three of them there too. Peter felt braver around his gang; the world seemed much less daunting when he had James and Sirius by his side.

Finally, Peter saw a bony, dark-haired boy appear from the barrier. Peter waved happily. "Sirius. Hey, Sirius!"

The boy looked up.

"Hold on, Dad," Peter said to his father, and hurried over to where Sirius was standing with his trolley. He'd grown since Peter had last seen him in July; he was now almost a head taller than Peter. Sirius was wearing the old-fashioned dress shirt and blazer that Peter had always seen him wear outside of school, and his usually flowing hair was kept back in a plait.

"Hi, Pete. What's up?" said Sirius, although Peter wasn't noticed that he wasn't smiling, "Good Summer?"

"Alright. What about you?"

"Horrible, obviously," Sirius spat. His voice had started cracking at the end of the last term and was now a full octave lower. It sounded hoarse, as if Sirius was still working out how to use it. "Where's James?"

Sirius _always_  wanted to be with James. JamesandSirius, BlackandPotter. Sometimes they even answered to one another's name. Peter was jealous of how close the two of them were; Moony was alright but he wasn't Peter's best buddy like James and Sirius were to each other, nor was he as popular or funny as they were. JamesandSirius were the stars and Peter and Remus were hanging on their coat-tails. Peter knew this because Sirius had told him so many times.

"I don't think he's here yet," shrugged Peter, not wanting to dwell on the subject, "Anyway, have you had a chance to read any more about becoming a you-know-what-agus?".

They were going to turn themselves into animals. James and Sirius had decided which meant that they were definitely going to do it. Sirius and James could do anything they put their minds to. They were so clever. Peter was jealous of that, too.

"A bit," said Sirius morosely, "I found a few books in the library but my father found me reading them and got suspicious,"

"Oh". Peter's shoulder's slumped. He tried to think of something to say to cheer Sirius up, but before he could a screech rang out through the platform hubbub.

"Sirius! Get back here, boy,"

Sirius grimaced and turned towards the voice. Peter looked too, and saw Sirius' mum scowling in their direction. She was willowy and weirdly beautiful in a severe sort of way. Peter had met Mrs Black couple of times and had concluded that she was an even scarier version of Professor McGonagall. Like Professor McGonagall she seemed to disapprove of nearly everything Sirius did, but that was different coming from a mum than a teacher.

"Coming, Mother," sighed Sirius. He gave Peter an apologetic look and trudged away. Peter watched him go, and it was only then that noticed a boy standing next to Mrs Black. He looked about Peter's height although Peter guessed from the boy's acne-free babyface that he was a couple of years younger. He had dark hair tied back in...in a neat plait…he was wearing a stiff-collared white shirt, silver buckled shoes, and a black blazer...identical to Sirius'. (Although, Peter noted, Sirius' clothes and hair were much scruffier than the younger boy's). Was it- could it- did Sirius have a  _brother?_ Peter moved closer to get a better view of them. Mrs Black was talking sternly to Sirius (Peter couldn't hear her words) and thrusting an envelope at him. Sirius said replied and pointed at the younger boy. Mrs Black pushed his arm down as if telling him not to point, and said something else. Sirius took the envelope, stuffed it into his blazer pocket and walked back over to Peter.

"Sorry about that. Have you got your suitcase? Let's put them on the train and wait for Moony and James,"

He marched away towards the train and Peter scurried to keep up. "Who was that boy, Sirius?"

Sirius didn't look at him as he replied, "That's my brother,"

Aha. "Yeah, I- I thought it might be,"

"Well you didn't need to ask then, did you?" Sirius snapped.

"You never said you had a brother,"

"It's not important. He's an idiot, just like the rest of them,"

"Yeah, but...a  _brother"._ Having a brother was quite an important fact about Sirius, and Peter was baffled that Sirius hadn't mentioned him before, "Do the others know?"

"James does,"

Peter resisted the temptation to reply bitterly that  _of course_ Sirius would have told James. "What's his name? Is he starting Hogwarts?"

"Yes, but you won't be seeing much of him," said Sirius curtly, "He'll be a Slytherin like the rest of them. His name's Regulus,"

"Blimey, your family don't half have poncy names, don't they?" Peter blurted. Sirius glared at him.

"Sorry. I mean…I'm just surprised, that's all. Look, here's where I've put my stuff," Peter said hastily. He directed Sirius to the compartment he'd stored his trunk in. Sirius grabbed his trunk from the trolley, jumped onto the train and shoved his trunk into the compartment. Peter watched him, taking the hint from Sirius' glower that it was a good idea to drop the subject. It wasn't  _too_ different to Moony not telling them about his furry little problem, Peter tried to tell himself. But, well…it was different. A  _brother._ It was odd to think of Sirius as a big brother. Peter gathered from Sirius' reluctance to discuss it that it wasn't a role Sirius enjoyed.

"I suppose I'd better say goodbye to Mother," Sirius mumbled glumly once he'd stored his luggage.

"Yeah, I should talk to my Dad,"

They leapt down onto the platform, which was now buzzing with activity. Remus must around here somewhere, Peter thought, and-

"Hey, you two dung-sacks!" crowed a voice. James Potter was laughing as he ran towards them, steering his trolley from side-to-side and nearly crashing into everybody around him.

"James!" cheered Sirius. He sprinted to James and jumped on him, almost knocking him flat. James wrestled Sirius off and Sirius retaliated by giving James a shove. James kept his balance, stuck his tongue out and yanked Sirius' plait. Sirius, who was taller and stronger, lifted James up by his shoulders and spun him round roughly.

"Put- me- down," James protested, guffawing as he beat his fists on Sirius' back. Sirius tried to turn James upside-down but James clung on to Sirius' shirt to stop him, and they ended up toppling over into a giggling pile of limbs. Peter watched them play-fight, admiring their easy physicality and envying of their rough camaraderie. James and Sirius flicked Peter's ears sometimes or cuffed him round the head, but they never matily scrapped with him like they did with each other.

"Bastard," grinned James.

"You missed this," Sirius retorted, thumping him happily across the shoulders.

"Sirius Black! Stop ruining your clothes, you silly boy, and come here right now!"

Sirius' face dropped as his mother's voice shrieked over the crowd. He said something to James that Peter didn't catch and disentangled himself from James' limbs. Then he stood up and slouched across to her. James and Peter both watched him go, and it was only when Sirius had disappeared into the crowd that James looked around and saw Peter. Peter waved and sprang towards him.

James didn't even get up. "Oh," he said flatly, "Hello, Pete".


	2. October

“And it’s Black with the Quaffle, passes to Potter who in a once-in-a-lifetime event is playing Chaser, Potter making an _outrageous_ attempt at a goal...”

Sirius was performing a whispered commentary to the two-man Quidditch match he and James were playing down the corridor.  The Quaffle was a crumpled scrap of parchment and the goal was Fiona MacMillan’s open bag. Fiona didn’t know that her rucksack was acting as a goal and would probably snap at them once she turned around, but James Potter had never cared about girls snapping at him. Well, one girl, but she was halfway across the castle in Arithmancy. James missed his shot, grabbed the paper Quaffle from where it had fallen, and tossed it back to Sirius.

“Sirius Black, a fine young Chaser all the way from North London, taking time out from his busy career as a professional chocolate frog card collector, sleeper-inner, Minister of Magic, billionaire, king of the pixies and world’s most handsome man-“

“In your dreams,” snorted James.

-“and world’s most handsome man, especially compared to his pimple-faced sidekick Jimmy Potter, is making a rare appearance as England Chaser, he’s got the Quaffle and he’s-“

Fiona swivelled around to face them as Sirius raised his arm to slam the Quaffle into her bag.

“What in Merlin’s name are you doing?”

“Playin’ Quidditch,” said James. Experience had taught him that when caught, confidence was key.

“How?” Fiona snarled. Girls, James reflected, always wanted to ruin their fun. Girls were nearly as bad as teachers

“Well, _this,”_ said Sirius, throwing the crumpled parchment from one hand to the other, “Is the Quaffle. And your bag’s the goal,”

He flicked his head so that his hair rippled over his shoulders in a way James knew Sirius liked to think of as rakishly cool, but in James’ opinion made him look ridiculous. Unfortunately Fiona seemed to share Sirius’ thinking because she merely rolled her eyes, muttered, “You two are morons,” and smirked to herself as she turned away.

Sirius winked at James. “What was that you were saying about me _not_ being the most handsome man in the world?”

“Shut up,”

Sirius laughed his staccato laugh, jabbed James in the ribs and sprinted a few paces ahead.

“Well, you’ll _really_ see me in action against Hufflepuff next week,” James called after him.

“I’d better, we need to beat them if we’ve got any chance this year,” Sirius pointed out.

“Ravenclaw won’t beat Slytherin when they play in November so we only need to win by about a thirty-point margin,”

“The _real_ question is if Slytherin can beat Hufflepuff,”

“Yeah, but-“

There was a tug on James’ arm. He glanced round.

“Umm, hi. I- I was wondering if you could tell me where Professor Binns’ classroom is,” said a voice. The speaker was a boy slightly shorter than James, awkwardly bony but with very neat uniform. He had green eyes and dark hair tied back in a plait with green ribbon. It was Sirius’ brother. James had seen him at the sorting ceremony and a few times around the castle since, but Sirius never spoke to him and barely mentioned him. James couldn’t remember the kid’s name and had never given him much thought, but he was only first-year, he was lost and needed help.

“Go up towards to McGonagall’s office,” James instructed, “There’s a door opposite-“

“What the fuck are you doing here?” barked Sirius’ voice. He was still a few paces ahead but had turned around. His face was grim and stony. He strode back towards them, seized his brother by the arm and tore him away from James.

“I’ll catch you up,” Sirius mumbled.

“Nah, it’s alright,” said James quickly. They had Herbology next, and who cared about being late for Professor Sprout?

Sirius kept a tight hold of his brother’s arm and didn’t look at James as he replied through gritted teeth, “James, I’ll catch you up,”

James looked from Sirius to his brother and back again. There was something wrong here. Sirius’ reluctance to admit that his brother existed had made it clear that he didn’t have much interest in him, but here he was bundling him off for a private chat. And from the tightness of his grip on the kid’s arm and way Sirius had spat the ‘fuck’ at him as if disgusted, suggested that their conversation was not going to be a pleasant one.  Well, James could hardly trot off to Herbology tower without finding out what was going on between them, could he?

“Right. Err, I’ll see you at Sprout’s, then,” he said. He set off towards the staircase, looking back in time to see Sirius drag the smaller boy down the corridor and shoo him into an empty classroom. James counted to three then turned and crept back along the corridor. He knelt down by the classroom door and pressed his ear against the gap to listen.

“I thought I’d made it clear what the rules are,” Sirius was saying, “I thought you’d got them in your stupid head,”

“I know,” answered the brother, “I didn’t realise that was your friend. You weren’t near him, I thought he-“

“Bollocks, you knew what you were doing,”

“I didn’t, Sirius, honest. I’ve been staying out of your way, you know I have, but I’m lost and-“

“You’re not just ‘staying out of my way’ Regulus,” Sirius continued, and James was so perturbed by the coldness in Sirius’ voice that he barely registered his use of his brother’s name, “When we’re at school you don’t talk to me. You don’t look at me. You don’t talk to or look at my friends. You don’t tell anybody we’re related and if they ask you say yes and then you change the subject,”

“Alright, I know,” Regulus grumbled waspishly.

“We’re not at home anymore,” Sirius taunted, “You can’t hide behind Mother and Grandpapa. Dad’s not here to tell you you’re special and guess what, Regulus- you’re not. You’re nothing. At Hogwarts nobody cares about your blood or your money or your surname”. James knew that Sirius knew that this was a lie. Sirius continued in his controlling, sneering tone, “Reputations are _earnt_ at school and I’ve earnt mine. You’ll find I’m a man of considerable influence round here, and if you bother me again I will make you very sorry indeed,”

“Stop showing off,” Regulus huffed.

Sirius ignored him. “I’m only going to tell you once more, little boy. Stay. Away. From. Me”. His voice was almost a whisper, but edged with aggression. James look through the gap in the doorframe to see Sirius drop his brother’s arm and stalk towards the door. James leapt up and bolted across the corridor to crouch behind a statue of Maria The Measly. He watched Sirius march out of the classroom and stomp down the stairs to Herbology. Dammit- making excuses to Professor Sprout wasn’t difficult but James would also have to come up with a reason to explain to Sirius why he’d turned up even later than Sirius had.

A few moments later Regulus’ head appeared from behind the classroom door and he scrambled tentatively out. He looked up and down the corridor, which was now empty except for James hidden behind the statue. Now that James had a proper view he could see the resemblance between Regulus and his brother- Roman nose, bold cheekbones, high forehead- although it was probably best not to mention that to Sirius. Regulus cast another frustrated glance around the corridor, then walked away (in, James noted, the opposite direction to Professor Binns’ room). James waited until he’d gone, then climbed out from behind Maria The Measly. He headed downstairs to the entrance hall and out across the damp grass towards the greenhouses, mulling over what he’d witnessed. James that thought Sirius’ relationship with his brother was one of indifference but now it seemed the opposite; an intense loathing. He’d called himself ‘a man of influence’ which James supposed was true, but only in the sense that they influenced chaos in the common room. Regulus was right, Sirius had been showing off. To scare him? That was certainly what Sirius’ orders and threats had sounded like. ‘Don’t look at me’ was a ridiculous demand; James knew first-hand how difficult it was to avoid people at Hogwarts. And if Sirius was so desperate not to talk to his brother he could have pulled James away from Regulus, but instead he’d hustled _Regulus_ into the empty classroom. Why? What did any of this mean? Why, James asked himself, was he so surprised- Sirius was open about his dislike for his family. Perhaps Regulus was a snob like the rest of the Blacks, but he was a _kid._ What had he done to make Sirius despise him? Had he done anything? James didn’t know and he certainly wasn’t about to bring it up with Sirius. He reminded himself that the whole situation was probably a brother thing that he, as an only child, couldn’t understand. Yeah, that was it, just brotherly rivalry. All big brothers got cross with their younger siblings like that. Definitely.

“Another latecomer,” sighed Professor Sprout as James slunk onto the greenhouse, “Five points from Gryffindor, Potter,”

“Thanks, James,” complained Aurelina Mace, “She’s already taken three off Sirius,”

Sirius, thankfully, was looking down into his Harpalyke flytrap pot with a brooding expression. For the first time in his life James was relieved that he and Sirius were made to sit separately in lessons.

“Where did you get to?” Moony asked, leaning over to James with a frown on his face.

“Doesn’t matter,” James assured him. But it had, and it did, and James couldn’t help glancing over at Sirius throughout the lesson, looking at his best friend in a new and unpleasant light.


	3. November

Remus Lupin was probably a bad person. He’d had a lot of time to consider it and had concluded that he wasn’t the nice little boy his parents and his teachers like to believe he was. And no, not because of the wolf. There were two reasons why Remus was a bad person and their names were Sirius Black and James Potter. ‘Bully’ was a strong word but Remus, despite how much time he spent reading, wasn’t sure what a better word was. The four Marauders (as James liked to call them) got into mischief, but there was a difference between mischief and nastiness. Remus tried to stay on the right side of that line but Sirius and James frequently triple-jumped over it- and Remus never did anything to stop them. This, he was sure, was as bad as joining in himself.

It was Wednesday morning and Remus was lying in his hospital wing bed distracting himself from the pain in his back by mentally tormenting himself. Monday night had been full moon and currently Remus needed two full days to recover. The wolf was worse than ever these days. Remus was growing, which meant the wolf was too. It was becoming increasingly powerful and increasingly enraged about being locked in the shack. Remus’ arms were so lacerated on Tuesday morning that he’d barely been able to get his shirt on by the time Madam Pomfrey came to take him back to the castle. But the scratches weren’t so bad compared to the aches. His limbs were the worst; he’d feel a dull pain in his thighs and shoulder bones for days afterwards. Remus felt like an old man, curled in bed wincing whenever he shifted position. Lately he’d started to think of the pain as punishment for being a bad person, for not standing up to Sirius and James. He knew that that didn’t make sense but in an odd way it made him feel better.

_The sin of omission._ _Stagnation is self-abdication. The Devil triumphs when good men do naught._ Remus had read these words in books and digested them with his usual thorough thoughtfulness. But when it came down to it- when Sirius and James whooped as they chased Snape down corridors, when they fired jinxes at boys who’d outflown James at Quidditch matches, when they made fun of Snape’s mismatched outfits even though it was obvious that they were the only clothes he could afford- Remus was too chicken to say anything. Last month during his full moon recovery Remus had asked himself if he was scared of them. Remus’ first thought had been that he definitely wasn’t scared of James. There wasn’t anything scary about Potter; he just wanted to have fun. Sirius, however, was a much more complicated person. Remus had known him for nearly two and a half years and still couldn’t work out what it was like inside his head, what his motivations were, how he could switch in an instant from being the dictator to the court jester. Remus had spent the morning’s recovery running through his interactions with Sirius trying to remember if he’d ever felt afraid of him. His conclusion, after hours of wincing at his aches and frowning at his thoughts, was that no, he wasn’t frightened of his best friends. What he was frightened of was his best friends abandoning him. He was frightened of being alone. Remus had never had a real friend before Hogwarts, let alone a gang. What if he talked to Sirius and James about their bullying and they deserted him? Who would Remus have then? He chatted to kids from the other houses, but they could hardly be best friends when they went back to separate common rooms in the evenings. Remus was friendly with the Gryffindor girls but there wasn’t a place for him in a girl gang. He had mates from choir practise and people he said hello to in the library, and a sickly second-year girl he knew from the hospital wing (Remus hadn’t seen her today- where was she?) but they weren’t a family like the Marauders were. Moreover, what if Sirius, James and Pete banished him from their tribe and _told someone about him?_ They’d sworn to Remus that his secret was safe, but would that change if Remus became an outsider? There was no way of knowing. One thing Remus did know, however, was that it was not a good idea to get on the wrong side of Sirius Black. Incurring Sirius’ wrath wasn’t a risk worth taking. So really, he told himself as he pressed his face into his pillow, keeping quiet about their nastiness was a necessary matter of self-preservation.

….but that was a codswallop excuse for being a coward. What James and Sirius did to Snape was wrong and Remus’ passivity enabled them. That was an indisputable fact. His inaction made him as bad a bully as they were. Remus Lupin was a bad person, and being in Remus Lupin’s head, he sighed, rolling onto his stomach to watch the cuts scab over on his arm, was absolutely exhausting.

* * *

 “Seventeen out of twenty on the test,” Sirius groaned as he followed Remus out of Ancient Rules the next day, “Seventeen. How did you do, Moony?”

“Nineteen,”

“Pfft, swot,”

“That’s not news,” Remus retorted, grinning. It was the last lesson of Thursday afternoon (James and Peter were in Care Of Magical Creatures) and the class filed out of the room into the corridor. Remus’ legs were still wobbly so he and Sirius had left the room first so they didn’t get too far behind.

Sirius tugged the test paper from Remus’ hands and said, “Here, let’s see,”

His eyes skimmed over it for a few moments before he griped, “Look, question nine- you put _From the den of the mermaid_ and I put _In the mermaid’s cave._ That’s the same thing but you got the mark and I didn’t”. He thrust Remus’ paper back. Sirius liked to pretend that he got cross about things like this, but Remus knew that he didn’t really mind.

“By the way, James and I are planning a sneak-out tonight if you fancy it. Gonna use the cloak to break into McGonagall’s office to see if there’s any stuff for The Project,”

The Project was a lunatic idea of Sirius’ to become Animagi. The plan was for himself, James and Peter to turn into animals so they could stay with Remus during his transformations and tear around the grounds together. Remus had been touched when Sirius announced this grand plan last year but he’d doubted that they could pull it off. Sirius and James, however, refused to be dissuaded and Remus had found himself becoming more excited by the idea.

“Yeah,” he beamed, “I’m in,”

As he spoke, Severus Snape, who’d been sitting behind Remus in Ancient Runes, sped up to overtake them. Sirius stuck his leg out. Snape tripped on the foot and flailed, bag swinging across his shoulder and greasy hair flapping around his ears. He managed to stay on his feet, and swivelled round to flick two fingers up at Sirius before rushing away. Sirius cackled. Remus fixed his eyes to the floor; it was an automatic reaction and he hated that looking away had become his reflex. Remus Lupin was a bad person.

On the stairs Remus and Sirius were passed by a gaggle of chattering first-years. They were recognisable as first-years by their diminutive stature (something James loved pointing out) and the enormous rucksacks mountained on their backs. Remus glanced at their happy eleven-year-old faces. He thought of Severus’ dark flapping hair. And he realised something. And in a gust of hubristic courage he knew that he, Remus J Lupin, Messr Moony, Probable Bad Person Esquire, was going to say something,

“I know why you hate Snape”. The words came out sharper than he’d anticipated.

Sirius spun to face him so abruptly Remus was surprised that Sirius didn’t crick his neck. Remus couldn’t meet Sirius’ eye but continued, “I’ve been thinking about this, this sort of thing, but I’ve only realised it now,”

“I hate Snape because he hates James and James is my best friend,” said Sirius firmly.

“No, you hate Snape because he reminds you of Regulus,” Remus told him, then balked at himself. The thought was still forming in his own mind and he’d blurted it out to _Sirius._

“What in Merlin’s name are you talking about?"

“Slytherin, scrawny, dark hair, clever, bit lonely,”

“My brother’s not clever. He’s an idiot and so’s Snivellus,” Sirius sneered. Remus could tell that they were dancing towards dangerous territory because Sirius usually spoke in an affected Cockney accent but when he was angry his natural received pronunciation snuck back in, and it had now. But Remus was too far down the rabbit hole to backtrack.

“Snape reminds you of Regulus, that’s why you hate him,” he repeated, shoving the words out as fast as possible. Sirius rounded on him. His face was twisted with indignation.

“Moony, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snarled. His voice-break was more noticeable than ever; its new depth had a growl to it. “Snape’s a slimeball who takes his own patheticness out on James. Regulus is a stuck-up blood fanatic cretin like the rest of my family,”

Remus had poked the dragon too far. He wanted to kick himself; he’d known that doing anything which risked getting in Sirius’ bad books was not a good idea. “I didn’t- I wasn’t…” he stammered, desperately trying to back-pedal, “Sirius, I-“

Remus cut himself off uselessly. Sirius’ intense dark eyes bored into his own. Sirius’ tone had been fiery with anger, but his eyes were cold. “Stick to your books, alright Moony? Don’t pretend you understand my family,”

And he strode away, chin held high, making sure to barge into Remus’ aching shoulder as he passed.


	4. December

 “ _Shit,”_

“Something wrong?” Moony asked. It was Saturday morning on the penultimate weekend of term, and the post had arrived.

Sirius held up the envelope up to his friends. “My mother’s written to me,”

“Oh Merlin,” James grimaced, “Bad luck,”

“What’s the problem with that?” Peter chipped in.

“Because Sirius’ mum only writes when she’s pissed off with him,” James explained impatiently. He was right. Neither of Sirius’ parents wrote often anymore- what was there to say?- but if they did it was normally Dad. His letters were boring and brief, informing Sirius of tedious family news. Occasionally Dad would report that an obscure relative had died and Sirius needed to send a note of sympathy. Sirius would snort, tear the letter up and toss the pieces on the floor. But this morning’s envelope was addressed in Mrs Black’s spidery scrawl.

“What’ve you done this time?” James asked.

“Breathed too loudly, ate too fast, stood wrong, existed,” Sirius muttered. It sounded like a joke but it wasn’t. Sirius’ heart had started pounding the moment he’d recognised the handwriting. Mother’s letters weren’t amusingly embarrassing; her tellings-off weren’t the sort of thing everyone would laugh about later. They were fierce and cold and cruel. And they were frightening.

“At least it’s not a Howler,” Pete piped up. Everybody ignored him.

Sirius took a vicious bite of his toast, and opened the letter.

_Dear Sirius,_

_I hope you are having a good term and applying yourself to your lessons. The family reputation for academic excellence must be upheld. Another family tradition that must be upheld is the annual Christmas festivities, and this is why I am writing to you. Regulus has mentioned that you are not planning on returning home for the Christmas holidays. This is not acceptable. Christmas, as you know, is the central event in the Black calendar, even more so this year given the unfortunate events that have lately befallen our family. It is the duty of us who remain true to our noble and most ancient House to unite in celebration at this time of year._

_I will be writing to your head of house to explain the situation and inform her that you will not be staying at Hogwarts over the holidays. Your father will pick you and Regulus up from King’s Cross next Saturday._

_With love,_

_Your mother._

No. No no no no no. Sirius was trembling with rage. No no no.

“What’s she got to say?” James prompted. Sirius didn’t reply so James plucked the letter from his hands and began to read out loud.

“Don’t,” Sirius instructed through gritted teeth, “I don’t want to hear it,”

“Okay, okay,” replied James, and held it further out in front of him so Remus and Peter could lean over to read it too. Sirius ignored them. He wanted to smash something. The Marauders had planned this Christmas for _months._ They were all going to spend Christmas at Hogwarts to work on The Project and get into mischief. James, Pete and Remus had all asked their parents, but Sirius had planned on not asking permission and taking his punishment when it came later. But now the whole idea was ruined.

“What does she mean, ‘unfortunate events that have befallen our family’?” Peter piped up.

“She means his _awesome_ cousin eloping with a Muggle-born,” James elaborated.

Sirius’ head was pounding.  _Regulus has mentioned. Regulus has mentioned._ “That…bastard,” he choked out.

“Who? Your cousin- I thought you said she was a legend?”

“Regulus. What a piece of shit,” Sirius seethed. He couldn’t remember ever being so angry. Why did _everything_ good in his life have to be ruined by his family?

“Sirius,” said a careful voice, “Keep calm”. It was Moony. He’d been unusually timid with Sirius over the last few weeks. Sirius supposed that he was meant to care.

“We can work something out,” jumped in James, “Come on, let’s have a think,”

“No,” grunted Sirius.

“Yes we can. Pete, why don’t you come to mine at the start of the holiday, and then-“

Sirius snatched the letter back off James, stood up and stalked away.

* * *

He didn’t know how long he’d been walking for or how many laps he’d done of the castle. He’d smoked his way through most of his cigarette packet and it had started to snow. Furious thoughts swirled in Sirius’ head; damn his vile mother, damn his wretched baby brother, damn all his family. They didn’t even _want_ him there for Christmas; they’d spend all of the holidays griping about his hair and his tone and ‘that Lubert boy you’re friends with, Sirius, isn’t he a _half-blood?’._ Although perhaps that’s exactly _why_ wanted Sirius home; nobody ever hid how much they enjoyed moaning and mocking him and asking why he couldn’t be more like his brother. Once they’d tired of playing Everything Wrong With Sirius, the adults would stay in the dining room having long, awful discussions about the Ministry and the Dark Lord while Sirius and his cousins were dismissed to the drawing room to play. What “playing” actually entailed was having the same conversations the adults were having nextdoor but in more hushed voices. Cissy would swoon as Bella described with relish the Dark Lord’s latest activities. Regulus, wide-eyed, asked fascinated questions, and Bella would scoff, “Don’t you _know?”_ before launching into a lengthy answer. The only reason it was bearable for Sirius was Andromeda being there to roll eyes with or play a secret game of exploding snap. But Andy had run away in the Spring, been blasted off the family tree and seemed unlikely to be mentioned ever again. Sirius was thrilled that she’d got away from the family but he hated her for leaving him.

Sirius crumpled his cigarette packet and buried his hands in his pockets. He glanced up to see where he was; round the back of the astronomy tower, opposite the owl shed. Four kids were darting around hurling handfuls of snow at each other; two girls, a fat blond boy and-

“Regulus!”

The yelp was out of Sirius’ mouth before he knew what he was doing, and then he was marching towards them calling his brother’s name. “Regulus. Hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you,”

Regulus spun around, and his face dropped into an expression of puzzled panic. Rage powered Sirius into a run and he pelted across the snow. He stopped for a second in front of Regulus, staring at him with loathing. Then he punched him in the face.

“You grass!” Sirius yelled, “You absolute snake,”

Regulus toppled sideways. “Ow! Sirius!”

“You squealed on me. Well, I’m about to make you squeal,”

“What have I done?” Regulus wailed. He sounded terrified. Pride flickered inside Sirius’ chest.

“You told them I wasn’t coming home,” he spat, giving his brother a shove, “I knew you were pathetic but I didn’t have you down as this much of a traitor,”

“I didn’t mean to. I…I just _mentioned_ it, I thought _you’d_ have told them already,” Regulus squawked. Sirius grabbed him by the throat and threw him down onto the snow. He booted a kick into Regulus’ ribs, then his stomach, his hip, his leg. Regulus’ bony frame flinched and twitched as Sirius’ feet pummelled into him. The thud of boot against body was delicious.

“Ow,” whimpered Regulus, and that was an even more satisfying sound. Sirius aimed a kick at Regulus’ head but Regulus covered his face with his arms. Sirius went for his chest instead. Thump.

“You friends have run off,” he taunted, “Because they don’t like you. Nobody likes you,”

“Sirius, stop,” Regulus pleaded, his voice a reedy treble. Sirius obeyed, for a moment, stepping back to admire his handiwork. Perfect Prince Regulus cowering in the snow with tears on his cheeks and blood in his mouth and Sirius’ bootprints on his coat. Shivering and frightened and alone. Sirius stood over him like a hyena over a carcass. He’d had never felt so powerful. He was the big man and Regulus was a snivelling little boy.

“I will _never_ forgive you,” he hissed, “I’ll make your life hell. You told them! Y- you told them”. As Sirius repeated the words his voice made a strangely choked squeak, and before he could stop them tears were dribbling down his face. He was shaking and his breath came fast and heavy with tears. “You had to ruin it, didn’t you?  For _once_ I was looking forward to Christmas, I’ve found people who _actually_ care about me. But you had to narc, didn’t you? Had to prove you’re everybody’s favourite and drag me back to our revolting family and, and-“

Sirius was sobbing by the time he’d got the words out. The crying wouldn’t stop and he’d keeled over so he was kneeling beside Regulus in the snow. Regulus was still on his back, looking even more scared than he had done when Sirius was beating him. Sirius looked at his pale, bewildered face and felt rabid. This was all Regulus’ fault, everything was Regulus’ fault and now he had the audacity to be here seeing Sirius cry. Sirius lunged at him, clawed his face and rammed his fist into Regulus’ gut. Then he shoved him away.

“Get lost!” Sirius roared, “Get lost, you little prick!”

Regulus gaped at him.

“Go on! Run!”

Regulus scrambled to his feet, backed away from Sirius and pelted off towards the castle, limping slightly on the leg Sirius had kicked.

“I hate you!” Sirius screamed at Regulus’ retreating back, “I hate you all!”

He crumpled back onto the snow, gasping. Sirius wasn’t sure what had just happened but he knew that it had drained him. He exhaled heavily, closing his eyes as his breath clouded in the air. Hatred buzzed inside him but weariness was seeping in too. He felt so _tired._ Exhausted with his family and his brother and school and girls and Quidditch and his friends and Snape and Slytherin and the Dark Lord and his family and his brother and the whole dreadful world.

Sirius rolled onto his back, and stared up at the sky until the tears froze on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this story. Please review to let me know what you thought. Thanks again.


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